I still can’t quite believe my mother is gone. She survived so much, but in the end, it was something as simple as the flu and pneumonia that she could not survive.

We had the sad task of cleaning out her small room at Lakeside Assisted Living. I wanted to rescue her art and her plants. I didn’t realize I would also find so much handwritten “documentation.” She wrote multiple denunciations of her U.S. citizenship. She wanted to be Canadian.

She also kept a sort of journal documenting her daily thoughts, experiences, and activities. Reading through this is the closest I will ever come to understanding what it was like to be my mom.

December 15, 2023

Woke heavenly state 10:30 A.M. had 2 smokes

Take about an hour to fully awaken. Started Earth Love Prayer had O.J. w/ cran banana in sun.

Did the rest of prayer in room.

Torture started 12:50 ongoing giving to now helping from trying to break tendons in feet swollen tendon from last night.

Put away laundry.

All they do is destroyers in the ending days be prest on Earth USSAss is it attempting to destroy anything good or positive read scrolls

Ongoing torture attempting memory loss headaches

Going to fix lunch early morn approx 11 A.M.

Put inbreds in her til 4 P.M.

Current attempting (previous to) memory loss attempted Earth Love Prayer in subconscious strongly, because of subconscious mind infused during memory loss attempted & inbred crazy people 4 to 6 p.m.

Attempted to break feet tendons legs feet (attempted hanging by meds)

Johnny the Lawyer

House of people that creeps put on show.

Especially what Ruth & all people gave condition to she was experiencing all people in house watch her room for entertainment.

They so sick

Any reading this call Johnny the Lawyer Islamic State immediately

6:30 Attempting to hurt rib, thighs, her organs

Just yelled Hate You.

Just yelled Hate You midair vehemently.

Dec. 16, 2023, Sat.

Attempted to break back all night in extreme pain when woke. Did stretches to stop condition given to back (to stem of) walked out

Woke 10:30 a.m. put makeup on & brushed hair.

Went to have two smokes healed back, back tingled.

Crans & banana for breakfast

Then did Earth Love Prayer near end of attempted inbred & memory loss.

Forgot with RA know carnelian stone rest prayer remembered

Then washed dishes attempted canddroh(?) of Nazis got bread cut had 5 cups coffee said all nations have lunch with her she’s going to die from coffee & green drink

Washed all dishes after lunch she made

Police took urine from toilet

People police outside she was 2 cigs

Poo’d. They hump butt fuck when she does. Sickening.

Defends self only.

If Izzy public attorney along Joann another attorney & Peggy Piggy O’Rourke is her possibly an attorney. Bringing to have her lease terminated.

Get ahold Johnny the lawyer Islamic states. Pick Jury 7 judges jury

(Have TV here Supreme Court level. Too many people have heard about her so Israel or Islamic State judges)

Make best jury and pick presiding judge totally brainwashed.

Be on TV to help her 2.5 weeks ago on top literature from 516 Indiana apt. 3 & a manila envelope gold termination of lease.

Fixer Jean at apartment 516 Indiana 7 a.m. tomorrow or Monday.

Yuck signed termination of lease an attorney he’s a rapist at 516 Indiana apt. 3.

All Cd’A attorneys raped her Frank wanted it.

Look in www black book.

Come 2010 2011 attorneys get Sept. 14, 2014 in recording office on disk.

My hearing from 12:30 midnight to 5 in morning Two courtrooms bring suit to them for Inhumanity, Rape, Insanity, and Cruelty.

Cont. green drink prayer 5:30

4:55 danced sang Cat Stevens

Cruelty condition given back ankles feet legs

R’d called on phone 6 to 8:00 p.m.

Cleaned self.

The End

The diary goes on in roughly this manner through May of 2024. I knew she experienced torture and rape, but I never realized that these terrifying experiences were nearly constant. She experienced having chips implanted in her brain, attempted lobotomies, and enforced “memory loss.” She was obsessed with contacting her lawyer, Johnny, and drew multiple portraits of him. But Johnny the lawyer does not exist in this reality.

Nor does Alice, a friendly spirit who instructed her to ring bells or recite her Earth Love Prayer in order to interrupt the torture. Her diary sometimes references real people, but many of the names were likely among the cast of characters who lived in her mind.

One name that she never mentioned was mine. She didn’t mention our phone calls or the shipments of food and gifts I sent every month. It’s as if I existed in a separate reality, and in a way, I suppose I did. She’d sometimes mention her experiences of torture or Johnny the lawyer, but she quickly changed the subject by saying, “That’s not in your reality.”

Her ability to distinguish her reality as something not real for others was unusual for someone living with schizophrenia. When she was younger, she would insist that her experience was the only reality. In recent years, she seemed to accept that not everyone could access her reality. So she tried to keep it to herself.

I realize now that every day was a struggle for her. Her final illness only added to the terrible torture she already lived with. I was traumatized by watching her on a ventilator three times. But I could not see the forces that tried to break every bone in her body or remove her memories for years.

The more I read, the more I believe that her death at 75 was a mercy. She had been living in this torture and distress for at least fifteen years. No medicine or therapy seemed to resolve what she called her “issues.” I always hoped that she would find some peace and happiness before she died. Now, I’m relieved that she slipped away before she had to go through one more minute of the hell of her mental illness.