I work in a field that is loosely connected to Marketing. Interactive media is almost always developed as some kind of marketing tool. I can’t really bitch about this (though occasionally I would like to), since people do need to communicate their message somehow, right? So I find myself often in the presence of Marketing professionals.

Now, some of my favorite people are marketing professionals, so don’t get me wrong. It’s just the use of language that sometimes makes me want to chew my own arm off.

For example, last week I got a call from a guy appropriately named Tony who wanted to talk about possible “synergistic partnership”. Gross. Let’s not even address the fact that synergistic is a made-up bastardization of a word that already should never be spoken aloud. He talks to one of the partners at my company later about how we could “monetize our relationship”. Double gross.

One of my core professional principles is straightforward honesty, with perhaps a dash of diplomacy. Sometimes I catch myself using terms like “core competency” and “conceptualizing” and I have to take a step or two back before I punch myself in the face. This kind of communication alienates people, much in the same way a doctor who only uses clinical language alienates people. The irony is, Marketing-speak is designed to do exactly the opposite of alienation. So what has gone wrong? Is it just people trying to cover the fact that they don’t really know what they mean by using words like synergize? Probably.

At least, if I ever need to speak Jargonian, I have a handy widget on my laptop that automatically generates nonsense, like:

“Objectively underwhelm integrated intellectual capital without mission-critical data. Enthusiastically restore interoperable markets for strategic markets. Efficiently fabricate innovative relationships for efficient customer service.

Holisticly communicate intermandated synergy with multifunctional e-services. Assertively maintain dynamic web-readiness whereas error-free schemas. Proactively deploy 24/7 manufactured products without standards compliant e-services.”